Just another Wow and a lot of WHOASSSSS!!!!!!

I had a conversation with my dad tonight that started off very scary and confusing, but ended with an empowerment that I have not had, but thought I did. A "hey, how you doing?" conversation turned into a "your church does WHAT?" conversation, and at first I will admit that I was skeptical of my dad and his new found faith in God. I found it very strange and left field from someone who always taught me to be a free and independent thinker. I am happy to say that the conversation did not end with me feeling this way. He opened my eyes to the misconceptions that my church, scratch that, a church was putting into my head. He pointed out the many non-biblical teachings within said church and supported his claims through scripture. He gave me some wonderful tools for better versing myself in the scripture and showed me that I could still be an independent thinker in my faith. I know some of you will find that to be an oxymoron, but it is possible to have independent thought and still follow the teachings of Jesus Christ.

I now find myself both fascinated and appalled by the discoveries in tonight's conversation. On one hand, I feel blind sided, bamboozled, and just plain ridiculous that I found such joy in a church that is so completely bass ackwards from the teachings of our Lord. On the other, I am forever grateful to my dad and his wife for bringing this all to my attention in a very loving and supportive way. I am, as of this day, a child in Christ. To elaborate, let me say this...

I was baptized many years ago after excepting Christ as my Lord and Savior. I do believe that it was heart felt to the best of my knowledge at that time.

I have strayed throughout life and fallen away from God and his teachings, but he has always been there, never leaving my heart or giving up on me.

I use the term child because I am just that. Until tonight, I thought of my faith as one level, one unwavering line of knowledge. No better, no worse, just faith. I never considered that, just as with everything else in life, that I needed to truly grow in my faith in God. Yes, you read your bible and gain insight, but I mean truly GROW IN GOD. Before, I was jumping into the deep end an experienced swimmer, not realizing I had a fifty pound cinder block around my ankles. Now I know that wading in the shallow end does not make me less of a Christian, merrily one that is willing to do it God's way, in His way, and of His way. I must throw the old lessons aside and have Him teach me, from the beginning, what He wants me to know. If I have to wear some floaters for awhile then so be it. I must get passed my human age and what everyone thinks I should know after being saved all these years, and worry only about what He knows about my heart and my capabilities. God will never condemn me for the speed in which I learn His ways. I feel that He is happy in my progress as long as I do it with a loving, faithful and repenting heart.

As for said church, I can understand now why it was so appealing and why I fell so deeply for it. I was raised, in a now non existent church, to not question the teachings of your pastor. I fell into the idea, as did many others, that if he said it was from the bible then it must be so. (Not that you all need to fear your pastors, but questions are allowed, and with a good pastor, should be welcome. If you don't understand it, ask!!!) The pastors of said church were so strong in there sermons, so powerful with there words, and so convincing with there convictions, that it was hard to question it. I was, in my own self conscious and passive way, excepting the word by their authority. I now realize that that is what they probably want. They spruce it up with so much smoke and lights that you stop thinking and you just follow blindly. I see now that I was following the wrong authority. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and I was in a church that praised Him, but somewhere along the road, God took a right and we all went left. I see now that having all that said church has as part of their "ministry" is appealing and fun, but it is all smoke and mirrors. I wish that I had been smart enough to catch on sooner, but maybe this was God's plan for me. Maybe He needed me to be there to see what not to do. Maybe He knew that I needed the experiences from said church, so that I could share them with my dad, and then get my BIG FAT WAKE UP CALL!!!! Maybe it is true that one cannot learn from mistakes that they don't make. Maybe this was all His way of opening conversations on faith with my dad. After all, if I wasn't going to church, then how would this conversation with my dad have started? Would I have listened? Would I have talked to him for over 3 hours? Yes, it was the wrong church, with JACKED up teachings, but it did pave the way for a more open minded me when my dad called. Maybe that was God's plan all along. God does not make mistakes by any means, but he sure allows me the free will to make my own.

(I know that I am rambling. It is late for me and I am wore out, but I just felt the need to try and get it all out as best I could. I am sure that the grammar and sentence formation is horrible, but whatever. Sorry, I am forever the English major.)

Bottom line, I was feeling a bit of self pity when I got off the phone with my dad. I felt dumb. I felt gullible. I felt used. I have always researched everything. I am a huge reader. Every time I have ever been told something or taught something, I have cracked a book to check it out for myself. What does it say about me that when it came to the teachings of the bible, I simply took what I was told and trusted it? I never referenced the bible for the truth. I never cracked it open and looked up the teachings for myself. Just this week alone, I have cracked all my college books at least half a dozen times to check and recheck the teachings of my various subjects, but I have never done that with His word. Why is that? I grew up with a intense love of reading, but know very little of my Bible. I love every genre of story out there. Crime, Love, Betrayal, Mystery. My bible has all of those. It is the greatest love story every written. It is full of plot twists, murders, mysteries, passions, hatreds, everything that I always saw as a great line to any story. Yet, I have read so little of it. I commit now, that I will read a little of it everyday. Baby steps, yes, but I will do it. Knowledge is power, right? Anyway, enough. My brain hurts, as do my eyes. But thankfully, my heart does not. Hopefully, this is the start of something greater than myself and hopefully the start of a journey that will include my best friend, my husband.

To my dad and A...thank you for your time, devotion, and love. Know now that you have opened a huge chapter in my life. Know also, that I will probably be calling a lot more for guidance, as my dad has always been my most trusted advisor, both good and bad. HeHeHeee. I love you both. I look forward to more talks, hopefully with less screaming from my little ones. Goodnight to all. I will torture you no more tonight.