School of Whining

So I am going back to school. I thought,"Hey, kudos to me!", but now I am just a few weeks from the first day and I find myself scared. Like butterflies in my tummy, I think I'm gonna throw up, stage fright kinda scared. Why is that? I have no ideas of impressing anyone. There is no real social scale where I am going. I don't have to deal with any real high school type drama or even socialize if I don't want to. But I haven't been to school in 10 years. That seems like forever. I love school, learning, reading, and writing, so I should be more excited then scared. I have the drive. In fact, I think I have too high of expectations for myself. I won't except anything less than an A, so how do I deal with a B. I know this may sound trivial to some, but other then a bad year in high school, when I needed to get my head out of my rear, I did really well. I studied when I had to, I payed attention, and actually contributed intellectually to the class discussions. I guess in honesty I don't feel as smart as I think I was back then. I think I am afraid of being the oldest in the class and being "out of date" with classroom etiquette and the like. I will be taking notes on paper, and what if they all have laptops. Ok, WOW and WHOA, I sound really superficial, but I am there to learn and I feel like my anxiety might hinder that. My first few classes are ones that I am really excited about, but once I get into the Math and everything, I am going to be the biggest dope in the class. LOL. Ok, enough for now. I am making no sense...just personal boohooing. I just need to suck it up and do it. Who cares what I think other people will think, right? And if I take notes on paper, then well so be it. Anyway, enough on that. Just haven't been in a classroom in a LONG time. Oh well. Get over it Felecia. Education is more important then feeling like a dinosaur. Just a little weird to be registering for classes with my sister's 17 year old boyfriend. Maybe it's the birthday blues and I am not even 30 yet. LOL. Please laugh at me. Reading back over this, I sound like a real whiner. Night all......have a good laugh from this one. I know I will.

The Good Ole' Days!!

Ever feel like you were born in the wrong era? Like you have the ideas and values of someone from days gone by? Well, I am there. I see kids with 42 inches of underwear showing, heading through doors they should be holding for the little old lady behind them. People on welfare running around in "bling" while their kids look like they just crawled out of the gutter. All these little details, to me, are meshing together into one big socially dysfunctional pool of disgust. I spoke to my grandmother recently, and she reminisced about the 50's, when she was just a teenager. We spoke of everything life was like back then and how much better off we would be if time had just stopped there. After the world wars, after the depression, before Vietnam. A time when everyone had a "home" no matter how big or small. Everyone took pride in their appearance, whether it was made by their mama on her old singer, or bought in the department store. When every family sat down to dinner away from the t.v. and enjoyed conversation. When saying "darn" was a vulgarity to be shhhhed in public. When milk was delivered fresh to your doorstep and you waved to your neighbor when you went out to collect it. When going downtown for the day didn't require a flack jacket and concealed weapon. When the "make-out" spot over the river didn't "make" babies. When modesty and etiquette were taught at home by mom and not only at an upper east side prep school. When everything was closed on Sunday and bbq's were the "in" social events and not some trampy club outing with loud music and drunken depravity. When wearing red lipstick was as "daring" as the girls got, as my grandma puts it. Now we are lucky if they are wearing clothes at all. In all this I am sure that I missing some of the cons of this era, but I doubt that they compare to the complete fall out that we now call life. I just feel old fashioned on my 27th birthday. I feel like my ideas and morals and expectancies are old fashioned. And well, I don't think that's a bad thing and I hope that my kids will pick up on it in their old fashioned ages just like I did. Had to vent. Let me know what you think. What's your ideal era? What were your good ole' days?

Pain has taken control both of your heart and of your mind.
You have lost all sense of reason and you have no sense of time.

Your tears have flown endlessly forever and a day.
You hope and pray that they will find any other way.

You look into your baby's eyes and caress his tiny head.
You wonder how many more times you'll tuck him into bed.

You write down all the things that you want us to remember.
You know that all the hurt and pain won't go on forever.

He'll have every memory of you that we can think to tell.
He'll always have your love and spirit to carry him on well.

Just know that we all love you more than words can ever show.
It's alright with us if you just want to let it go.

We know where we can find you if we ever want to talk.
All we have to do is raise our eyes to where angels walk.

Your hurt and pain are over, your soul goes on and on.
Even though our hearts are broken, we know your never really gone.

Not much of a first blog.

Well, not much to say for my first blog. Just getting the hang of it really. Thank you to my Daddy. He has come into his faith and this has brought us close once again. He gave me a bit of a nudge back towards my faith and with his support and the love of my husband, positive changes are happening in my little family unit everyday. A great sense of peace are now apart of our daily lives and happenings I never thought possible are becoming a reality. I am blessed with the knowledge that I will see the ones I love most dear in heaven with me. I am posting the following little poem from a friend that sums up how I feel right now. Enjoy.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven.'
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner "Who" received God's good grace, somehow!